Fear.

Confession: I’m a fearful person.

Whenever I fly, like I did yesterday and the day before, a string of unhealthy thoughts about crashing plagues me. The first time I flew for the new gig, it was before my insurance kicked in. Not that health insurance has anything to do with anything after I’m involved in a fiery wreck — nor does it have anything to do with legal matters after the fact, but the fear prompted me to get my stuff in order (shameless LegalZoom plug).

Yesterday, my fear of flying encouraged me to have a second glass of wine at lunch, which consisted of a giant plate of iceberg lettuce masquerading as an Asian-chopped-salad-thingy of-sorts. Its disguise was terrible.

When I say that I’m a fearful person, however, I don’t mean your everyday, common phobias. I mean stuff that perhaps should be worked out by a therapist. And while I have had calling one on my to-do list for a while, the stubborn part of me thinks that I already have the answers.

In truth, I’m a little fearful of what else they’d have to say. See? There’s that pesky fear thing again.

Yesterday I was asked why I blog every day. The answers are many, but they lead to other areas that could use some uncovering. I blog because:

– …I read a devotion on January 2nd that prompted me to think that blogging daily would be a great exercise

– …every dream has a beginning; I’ve always wanted to be a writer, so instead of wishing, I figured I’d better start somewhere; this is my practice year

-…short of breathing, blinking, swallowing, using the facilities and probably yawning, I’ve never done anything on a daily basis. This is an act of exercising a muscle, and when you do it, you get better. My writing may not win any awards, but I’m doing it. And for me, I know I’m getting better on a few levels.

-…I’ve always loved writing, and writing is a way for me to say everything I want to say without getting cut off or interrupted (Lookie there! Hints of an “issue.”)

There are a ton of reasons why I blog — likely too many to write down. Part of the reason for this blog is to learn to edit less and share more. Not only that, but to also be OK about doing it. I don’t share a ton in “real life” because, honestly, I’ve grown really tired of people repeating things to others when I intended for only one person to hear, and my gender can be super-duper catty. It makes me weary. As a result, I like to fly solo a lot of the time.

Sadly, in terms of sharing on this blog, I haven’t done it a lot; a lot of what I write tends to be very surface. Some posts are even so lacking that they exist merely to check the box of having blogged on a daily basis; I call them my throw-away posts. Interestingly, they’re sometimes the ones that get the most reaction. But I think a bigger reason I’m not more open is because I am afraid of what people would think. Then I realized that everyone probably feels that way on some level.

We may not stand up for someone else because we fear the ridicule would turn our way.

We may not love because we fear rejection.

We may not try because we fear failure.

But without trying, we can never attain.

Without loving, our heart doesn’t get the growth spurt it longs to experience.

And without sharing, we keep a part of ourselves locked up and isolated instead of allowing others to see it, to understand it or even to relate to it.

Tonight I am thankful for remembering part of why I blog, for realizing my fear of sharing and for once again starting over in — hopefully — chipping away at it bit by bit.

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