“Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life – well, valuable, but small – and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven’t been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn’t it be the other way around? I don’t really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.”
You’ve Got Mail is one of my favorite movies, and that quote is one of my most favorite parts from it. It is often how I feel about my own existence.
I wonder about my daily routine, my hobbies, my likes, my dislikes and whether they make me who I am because I enjoy them or because they’ve been part of me for so long that they’ve made me. I think it’s a little of both.
I wonder if I’m brave, and some days I don’t feel like I am; other times I do. I wonder why I don’t put myself out there more, but I realize it’s because many of the times that I have, I’ve ended up feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under me. Other times I feel as though I’m heading to a perch on top of the world, but it seems a bump in the road or a wall that’s just a bit too tall to hop over inevitably appears.
I wonder what it would be like to be that person that travels here or there, whenever and for however long, or to be the person that simply does, and does so without doubting. I wonder what it would be like to be that person and to be aware of someone else’s life – a life like my own: quiet, deliberate, calm…for the most part. I wonder if my life would ever be looked at with envy. I doubt that it would.
Then again, if it’s true the grass is always greener, perhaps it might. It’s hard to say. And since it is, maybe that’s meant to be the catalyst to get us to do more (or less) and find out for ourselves. Instead of idling, instead of wondering, instead of simply putting the cosmic question out there into the void.
Tonight I am thankful for my life, but I am also thankful for my ability to adjust my course ever so slightly, or so much that a complete overhaul takes place. I am thankful for my ability to do more than simply lob a question out into the universe – now it’s just a matter of doing something about it.