What does it say?

Do you ever wonder what certain things say about you?

I’d rather be a parent to an animal or two than a human being. I’m not sure if this means I just haven’t yet found “the one,” whether it’s foreshadowing or something in between. Perhaps someday I’ll hoard animals? Let’s hope not.

I’m terrible at dating. For one, I don’t really have a desire to do it anymore. The last person I went out with enjoyed dressing like a pirate, I found out on the fourth date. Done.

I tell myself I’ll try the online thing, but I always bow out before my time is up. Always. Case in point last month: I signed up and paid for six months, only to hide my profile three days later because I didn’t have the stomach or energy to get back on the horse again. Maybe it says I’m a lost cause, or maybe this is more foreshadowing: perhaps I’ll show up on the doorstep of a convent…? Nah, they wouldn’t have me.

I make a beeline to my pajamas most nights and like to turn in early, though I rarely succeed at the latter. I see nothing wrong with having a single, solitary piece of celery with peanut butter for dinner. Or cheese with a smear of fig butter. Or maybe just a glass of wine. I like that my nights are simple, quiet and that the most stress at home is whether I’ve given the cat enough attention to keep him from becoming anti-social, whether I have clean unmentionables and whether I’ve sorted my recyclables properly. Do these things mean I’m old? Hopefully it just means I’m an old soul in some respect, because 36 doesn’t feel old.

Sometimes I wonder why my life is seemingly so quiet. Others seem to live lives with far more excitement. I’m not complaining, I just wonder about it. While I don’t care what anyone else thinks about my peaceful world, I do wonder what they see from the outside.

From my vantage point, I can’t help but wonder: what’s coming? Is something on its way? Is this the calm before the storm? I’m sure it’s all for a reason.

Maybe it’s so that I’ll have a bit of personal bandwidth available to help out a friend or family member.

Maybe it’s so that I can work on an idea and see where it goes. They say that you should devote yourself to an idea, struggle on it and overcome your fears of it. None of that would be possible if there wasn’t bandwidth.

Maybe I have bandwidth simply because I had none for so many years. Working 12 to 15-hour days in advertising used to be the norm for me; I never questioned it. Isn’t that what people do, after all? People who want to skyrocket up the corporate ladder? Turns out I didn’t want to climb any ladder other than the one that allowed me to reach a dream or two.

And consistently working 12-hour days wasn’t one of my dreams.

I have time for them these days. Time for my dreams of music, writing, thinking and exploring — with a little bit of travel here and there. Time for time off, time to enjoy things. Time that wouldn’t exist if I had a family or child, a draining job or corporate ladder in my rear view mirror…a ladder that I’d climbed but then sat at the top of and wondered, “Now what?”

I’ve never wanted to run a company or be anything at the “chief” level. And I’m not. What does that say about me?

I like to think that it says that I know myself, but I know that I have so much more to learn than I can even begin to realize. I know more than I did five years ago, though, and certainly more than I knew ten years ago.

It doesn’t matter what any part of your life says to anyone else so long as you’re happy, that you’re going where you want to go and that you’re content with what you have. Time is fleeting, but we have our choices forever. Choose good, choose to let the bad go and choose to be at peace with your decisions.

Tonight I am thankful for my journey, for knowing myself a little more with each passing day, month and year, and for finally having the time that I never had before. Here’s to making the most of it.

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