Catch and Release

Have you ever been at a loss? I have. In fact, I’m at a loss right now.

It’s a loss that lacks an exact definition, but there’s nothing lacking about its presence. It’s definitely there.

In my spirit, there’s a hole. How to fill it, I’m not sure. I don’t believe that it can be solved with a person or a thing, but some deep thinking or meditation may help it to form a bit of a protective scab.

Sometimes I get this general feeling of agitation going on. I hate it. It leaves me feeling very unsettled and, similar to how I feel seconds after waking, my mind feeling a little mushy. It can’t find words to articulate its frustration, but it knows it’s there. I know it’s there.

The only words I’m sure of right now are, “I just don’t know.” I found myself mumbling them out loud tonight as I shuffled around the house. I’d be deep in thought about things and out they’d tumble — a non-answer to a bunch of rhetorical questions I ask only to see if I can somehow get back on track.

If you tore up little pieces of paper, wrote a bunch of opposites on them, tossed them into a tiny container and shook it vigorously, that would be a good start to explaining how I feel inside right now. The words are plentiful; here’s a sample:

Here. There. Left. Right. Up. Down. With. Without. Go. Stay. Yell. Cry. Elation. Depression. Rage. Peace. Breathe. Drown.

I feel like there’s no in between. It’s one or the other, white or black — but I can’t tell you why. Not because I don’t want to, but because I simply can’t. I’m at a loss — for why, for how I got here, for words. All was well, and now it’s unsettled, at best. If I had a compass in my hand, the needle would be going haywire.

I know I’m not unique in how I’m feeling. While others may have a particular solution or go-to activity when they’re feeling like this, I didn’t have one tonight. Hitting the hay seemed as good an idea as any, but then I’d miss a day of blogging (gasp!) and that would be no good. Bad for the writing muscle, bad for momentum, bad for the nearly year-and-a-half streak. So writing it is.

When I sat down, I didn’t expect to find a solution to feeling unsettled. Good thing, because I’m still without one. That said, the ditch feels a little less deep and the ground feels a little less shaky after talking it out. Sometimes tackling an emotion and pummeling it for a while can show it who’s boss, and that seems to have ended up being the case here. The old catch and release thing can extend to a number of areas in our lives, and it certainly did tonight. Avoidance is one way to deal, but tonight I’m somewhat relieved to know that catching the negative has released some positive — and for that I am thankful.

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