Deep Thoughts

Who remembers Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey? My favorite went something like this: “If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ’em go — because man…they’re gone.”

I was standing in the TSA line this morning at LAX. Terminal 3, to be exact — the same place where the TSA agent was killed back on November 1. Two of four lines were open and the TSA agents were many. Nobody seemed to mind, except for the older and, might I say, incredibly crotchety woman behind me.

She let out a loud sigh, scoffed and then said in my general direction, “Can somebody tell me why we’re standing in this line?”

I was appalled that she seemed appalled. “What’s your question, exactly?” I asked.

“Well, why are we just standing here?” she demanded to know.

“We’re not ‘just standing here.’ We’re making our way to the TSA officer,” I replied.

“But why are we going so slowly?!” she fumed.

Oh, let me count the ways. “Because it’s LAX. Because there are only two lines open instead of four. Because people from downstairs are coming upstairs and merging with us. Because –” I was about to continue.

“OK, alright. I get it,” she said. “I just wanted to know if I was in the right place.”

“Oh,” I said. “You should’ve said so. If you want to get on a plane, then yes, you’re in the right place,” I confirmed.

She scoffed again, this time at me. I can’t say that I wasn’t amused by the situation. If it had been any earlier, I may not have been.

Deep thought #1: If waiting irritates you, don’t go to an airport — or a theme park when lines or throngs of people irk you. It’s also right up there with never wanting to experience an earthquake while choosing to live in California. You’re in the wrong spot, plain and simple. If you want to be here, zip it.

After settling into my seat on the plane, we departed and I ordered an unhealthy-disguised-as-healthy meal onboard. I found myself wondering the following (with our agency’s holiday party just around the corner): if black is supposedly slimming, would wearing black Spanx prove to be extra slimming?

Deep thought #2 free of charge, ladies and gents. Enjoy.

Today I’m thankful for safe travels, for good comedy in the TSA line and for tastebud-titillating vittles onboard my Virgin America flight to JFK. Side note: if you happen to encounter the Flight Bites on their menu, two thumbs up. Partake if you have the opportunity.

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